February 2009
“My only weakness is a list of crime/ My only weakness is … well, never...”
– Steven Patrick Morrissey from Shoplifters of The World Unite.
It's Unfortunate...
that someone out there has a greater Batting Average than they have Grade Point Average.
When Someone Comments...
on my ability to drink I normally state, “I’m just doing my part to keep this economy afloat.”
It doesn’t receive the positive reaction, that one would expect, at my Alcoholic’s Anonymous class.
January 2009
“It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember...”
– George F.Burns
“Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people...”
– Dave Attell
“An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.”
– Ernest Hemingway
Fourteen Years Later, CBS Tonight Airs Bill Hicks’... →
azizisbored:
Pretty cool news.
I’ve been wanting to watch this since I was about 12. I hope I’m sober enough to remember but I draught that.
See what I did there… T_T; I’m sorry.
Trends I Don't Understand
Why do women wear sunglasses so large that they cover anywhere from two-fifth’s to half of their face?
Many a night have I internally debated this question only to arrive at two conclusions; it’s either to block out the Sun’s harmful UV rays or to block out the ugliness that is their face?
You decide.
The Other Day...
I was reading the Brothers Karamazov by Fyodor Dostoyevsky when it dawned upon me that I don’t even know how to read.
Instant “Duh” moment.
This American Life →
jessicabigarel:
The episode archive is good for you.
I highly recommend, at all of my friends who are not acquainted with This American Life, that you begin to familiarize yourself with the genius that is Ira Glass- he’s also quite the looker for those who need an extra incentive to listen.
I love it when
plaudit:
my iPod is on shuffle and “I Wanna Sex You Up” comes on. Reminds me of my youth, sitting in the backseat of the car and watching my mom sing along to it, it being respectively one of her favorite songs.
HAHAHAHA- My mom was the same way but with Keith Sweat.
I've Noticed...
that I don’t receive the same media coverage, scandalous stares or boycotts from the Catholic Church when I sing Katy Perry’s “I Kissed a Girl.”
I Hate It When...
my family scratches out my face from family photos. Coincidentally I’m the only one who doesn’t have a picture up on a wall but that’s perfectly fine because I know they love me… deep deep down inside… way inside like in the tissue lining of the left ventricle. Sigh.
Do You Ever....
watch a film and predict the next scene or, for the film connoisseurs, the ending before the film is three-quarters of the way finished?
So you yell it or whisper it to your friend and they tell you, “Oh that’s totally going to happen.”
Well I didn’t ‘totally know it was going to happen.’ Thanks for ruining the film fucker.
“I love Los Angeles. I love Hollywood. They’re beautiful. Everybody’s...”
– Andy Warhol on Los Angeles
I Am Slowly Google Mapping All of the Shitholes...
The memories slowly flood in as I have knowingly, by Google Mapping, entered a 90mph roller coaster of emotions that suspends me upside down moments before the safety lock falters and I, the lone rider, plummet 255-feet (78 m) onto whatever emotionally and physically awaits me below. Two facts have arisen from my little venture- the first being that I’ve come a long way baby. The second...
I Am Currently...
writing an algorithm to determine how many pregnancies occured because of K-Ci & JoJo’s All My Life.
I Am So Gangsta...
that I leave the last button of my vest unbuttoned so as to upset my Ivy League educated father and maman.
I am becoming quite the ruffian.
Have you ever asked yourself...
why doth the interior of Jamba Juice smell like semen?
If the thought never crossed your mind before it most certainly will now.
I've Always Wanted To...
convert rap songs into Old English or Middle English vernacular. I keep it classy like that.
“Get a Life.”
– Maman (Mother) - January 3rd, 2009
The aforementioned was directed at yours truly after I asked for her opinion on my a cappella (yes it is spelled this way) performance of the FreeCreditReport.com commercial jingles.
.
Does anyone know what 'jesticulation' means?
purplediculous:
I was just texted with, “There will be heavy drunking and jesticulation this weekend”
HELP, Jennifer
That word does not exist. The proper term is Gesticulation. My guess is that the individual meant it as “making gestures to express passion or enforce sentiments.” aka BOOTY CALL
I Slap Women... With My Words of Love
Kanye West: i seem to have many women suddenly enter my life without intention
Kanye West: like since when did hangout = get mad at me for not texting back
Kanye West: or when did hangout = mutual attraction
Kanye West: or hangout = bf/gf almost
Kanye West: or maybe women just reach those extremes with me
Annabel: i think you need to be more clear
Annabel: bitches are bitches
Annabel: you can't reason with them otherwise
Kanye West: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Kanye West: OMG
Annabel: too bad you can't slap them
Annabel: a nice little backhand wouldn't hurt
Annabel: *SLAP* not interested BIATCH
Annabel: women are irrational, it's the only way
Kanye West: i'm a traditional man
Kanye West: therefore i slap my women
Annabel: *SLAP* them with your words
Sometimes I Want to Call You...
simply to tell you how I’m truly feeling but I am a shy guy, to ask you how your day went because I want to know every detail, to find out what you had for breakfast and hope we ate something similar, to divulge how staring into your eyes is like staring at the stars for the first time, that every time we hold hands I feel a sensory overload akin to the first cigarette you smoke after your...
I'm Trying...
vigorously to make the world a better place but by spreading HIV to raise awareness of AIDS, I think I might be doing more harm than helping.
Life is a double-edged sword.
Does anyone else...
michellardi:
mthrfknluisss:
preface a conversation with their 12 year old sister by stating, “Hey bitch?”
me. heh, she’s 10. ;]
You, Mademoiselle, take the cake so to speak.
Field Observations #1- My Day Out in Town
I’ve noticed a correlation of the most peculiar nature. Notice that the cattier that statement (i.e. ‘Too Good For You,’ ‘You Wish’ or my personal favourite ‘Sexsi’ instead of Pepsi) on the female’s t-shirt, the more horrid she appears to be.
I wonder what Alfred Sturtevant would have said about this…
Am I the Only One...
who wrote as their high school yearbook quote, “No Chris Hansen. Why don’t you have a seat over here? On my lap…”???
Does anyone else...
killingbambi:
mthrfknluisss:
preface a conversation with their 12 year old sister by stating, “Hey bitch?”
me! (and she’s eleven)
Insta-Best Friends! Hahaha
When you shower...
do you also sing “I’m like a Bird” by Nelly Furtado?
My neighbor does…
and it’s fucking annoying!
They say...
letting go is one of the most difficult decisions you can make.
I say getting baked and deciding between IHOP or Denny’s is one of the most difficult decisions you can make.
“Let He Who Is Without Sin Cast The First Stone.” - John Belushi or something
Do you ever feel...
alone? misunderstood? abandoned? like a hollow emotional shell?
So you login in to your Facebook account to let the world know through your semi-mysterious status update and notice that you have 400+ friends?
It sucks to be you right now…
Do you remember that time...
in elementary/middle school when one of your classmates showed up to picture day wearing the exact same article(s) of clothing as you?
Is it not strange that it was one of the classmates you least liked?
Did it not get weird when you were in high school and made love to their middle school sweet heart as revenge for picture day?
Is it not bad that you named your first child after that...
Does anyone else...
begin their mornings with 2 whiskey sours?
I do (._.)
Does anyone else...
notice that the drunker one becomes, the more everyone else wants to hear about one’s problems? … I think…
Does anyone else...
preface a conversation with their 12 year old sister by stating, “Hey bitch?”
“Hey, forget it. Did you hear what l said ? Forget it. You cannot have...”
– Billy Brown- as portrayed by Vincent Gallo in the film Buffalo ‘66
